Top Ten Signs That You Are A "Crazy Cat Lady":

1. Your colleagues no longer ask how your weekend was. Instead they ask how your cats are doing.

2. People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes. They realize it's hopeless anyway.

3. When you get your latest roll of film developed, there's not a single human being in the pictures.

4. You have more cats than the local pet store and there are several kitty litter boxes in every room of your apartment.

5. Your personal motto is: "You can never have enough cats."

6. You buy more than 60 pounds of cat litter a month.

7. You'd rather watch hours of boring infomercials than disturb the cat sleeping on the remote.

8. You choose your friends based on how well your cats like them.

9. The only time you leave your apartment is to feed the stray cats in the neighborhood.

10. You introduce your cats by name to the pizza delivery guy.

How to Hamper Your Human

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For paperwork, lie on the paper in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Or pretend to doze, but occasionally reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. When being removed for the second time, make all four legs flail around wildly in order to push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

6) When a human is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on the screen and then lay in the human's lap across arms if possible to hamper typing in progress.

The Ten Cat Commandments

1. I am the Lord of thy house.

2. Thou shall have no other pets before me.

3. Thou shalt not ever ignore me.

4. I shall ignore thou when I feel like it.

5. Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day.

6. Remember my food dish and keep it full.

7. Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.

8. Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in.

9. Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand.

10. Above all, thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.  

 
1. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
   
   
2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
   
   
3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
   
   
4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.
   
   
5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
   
   
6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".
   
   
7. Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
   
   
8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.
   
   
9. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
   
   
10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
    
    
11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
    
    
12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
    
    
13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
    
    
14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
    
    
15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
    
    
16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
    
    
17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
    
    
18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
    
    
19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.
    
    
20. If I must give a present to my humans's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.